ok after writing a bit about iPadOS and Z: object-oriented journaling, I finally get to describe the experience I had today.
it all started before I hung up the phone, I got present to the impact my choice to go on a Tech Shabbat makes it difficult to communicate changes in plans. I left getting my life choices make an impact and have consequences.
Choice are just choices!
So after going to the clinic today (simple blood draw, nothing serious), I started really inquiring into my life choices and while I really did want to meet a friend nearby for lunch, I made the effort to coordinate well in advance and she said she wasn’t going to be available and left it at that.
i had a resounding experience of wanting to be alone and explore on my own. I haven’t quite found a partner to explore the world with (at least the entire world, outside Asia and online) (well maybe I have... 🤔)
After grabbing sushi (treating myself) and wandering around in my car to find the “perfect place” to sit down - I really trusted my instincts and it brought me past Chrissy Field in front of the Golden Gate Bridge. It was a specular view and as the bridge got shrouded in the fog and disappears, it dawned on me how impermanent life is.
bridge soon to be lost in fog minutes later
I wanted to cry, I wanted to bawl - but I was in public - I couldn’t just let go. made me wonder what are the safe spaces in life to just let go?
so i decide to drive towards Baker Beach - didn’t like the sand, too many people, no shade. eject.
I went to Golden Gate park and the area around the Shakespeare Garden looks too busy. I thought I’d organically found the bison paddock but I found the Dutch Windmill first. Out I went - I knew if I spent too much time wandering I’d just “lose” my desire to just chill.
I found a woodsy area and sat on a pretty new stump. I didn’t want to get dirty. I ate some natto and decided to find some grass to lie on. I found some right near the outdoor Archery. I remember doing archery in grade school -it was fun! It dawned on me some people have hobbies like archery just like dance is my hobby.
it was good to just sit there.
I got some journaling in and it wasn’t til I went to TJ’s and Costco and put everything away that I had time to be with myself.
I decided I had to upgrade my iPad Pro to iPadOS and upgrade to the latest Evernote and then YouTube Music let me know [[New Order]] just released a new single - Be a Rebel!
I was bracing myself (Bad Lieutenant was pretty bad actually... thankfully it sounded a lot like Electronic w Johnny Marr) - I listened to it about 4x in a row until I finally heard the lyrics - that the song was encouraging me to be myself and that I am living my life the way I am and it’s ok to be a rebel. (couldn’t help but think of “Rebel Without a Cause” cuz I am trying to get straight about a cause I want to get myself behind). It just made me tear - like the song was made for ME (of course it wasn’t but it felt that way :)
My housemate barges into my room upset I didn’t go grocery shopping with her tmrw on her time off and I didn’t know what to say other than I decided to go today while I was out & about. She finally got to her senses and thanked me for getting her OJ and pasta. She wants to make one of my favorite Thai fusion dishes so she’s still missing ingredients. (it is funny how I stared at the basil and I also stared at the clams in the Japanese market, two ingredients she needed - i mean I really paused both times! it’s like my higher power knew better than I did)
So it really has me think that part of me felt like maybe I was better off shopping Thu and just relaxing today - not feeling i need to “do” anything (speaking of which, I want to dive into the book preview of “Do Nothing” ironically enough)
I’m listening to my favorite tunes I’ve collected over the years (songs I’ve decided to buy digitally, a few select songs (La Receta), and songs Apple gifted me during the years I collected a free song a week while in Asia - it was something to really look forward to (Apple sure knew how to work the attention extraction model back in 2008!)
I’m sure this page will evolve into more stories about having the feels and would love to hear any comments and feel free to link to any writing you have on how the feels show up for you esp if it involves Rebuilding Your Youth!