Today is July 12. In exactly one month I will turn 33 years old.
How do I feel about that, you ask?
I'm tired, discouraged and more than a little anxious. I feel worn down in all the ways: physically, mentally, emotionally, and creatively.
😞
There may be a bunch of reasons I feel this way, but I think the main source of my weariness comes from the constant struggle I feel while being the primary care giver to my two sons (3yo and 1yo) and finding time to manage The Hideout.
This isn't a new situation, but it hasn't improved.
Over the past several months, I've shared my experience in this journal and through one-on-one conversations with my peers. I'm constantly reminded that others deal with the same issues and I find a lot of encouragement in the reactions I get.
I appreciate the solidarity from other parents. It gets me through tired hours of my day, but I'm still struggling and have decided to make some changes.
In an effort to "reset," I'm going to take a break from some of the things I believe to be responsible for my current state of being.
Specifically, I've decided to stop all extracurricular online activities for 30 days.
No casual browsing, doomscrolling or unnecessary surfing.
I'll keep writing, but you won't see any new blog posts for the next month. (The only exception is any house progress, which I may toss up on my Insta-story.)
I've tried a version of this in the past, but with several caveats (staying active in Slack groups, for example). I felt refreshed after limiting my social media time, so I'm hopeful avoiding it altogether will be an even more rewarding experience.
I have a few friends who have gone through similar exercises and shared their (overwhelmingly positive) results with me. Albeit unintentional, I judgmentally assumed their takeaways were hyperbolic. I'd ask myself things like, Why would anyone limit themselves to potential opportunities by removing themselves from social media? Can't they simply take a few measures to prevent overuse? Are they not already intentional with their time?
Having the tables slightly turned, I'm understanding the benefits a little better now.
A break might help restore some of that lost energy I mentioned, but I think it'll also help with perspective.
I'm trapped in a cycle of negativity. Inevitably, I log on and see some work that I adore and get discouraged that I'll never achieve the same level of ability or notoriety. I overthink how frequently I should share work and beat myself up for not being able to produce as much as other studios my size. Worst of all, I'm constantly online, even when I'm supposed to be in full Dad Mode and it's shamefully caused me some resentment.