nov 9th

it’s been less than a month since I got back from Birmingham, having trained with humanhood. I watch now in wonder at this audition video I sent in to them, of who that was moving. I haven’t filmed myself since coming back and can’t quite picture what will come out. well actually last Sunday, at the first open mat I hosted at the dojo, em took a video that caught me in it, along with Gino and Caroline who are easier to see. we had a beautiful trio just after the video ended, only memory in body. our prompt was hands.

[https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Ler5FVXmcN63Q6QaVvGFZrFAoeKnmhUb/view?usp=drive_link](https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Ler5FVXmcN63Q6QaVvGFZrFAoeKnmhUb/view?usp=drive_link)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5IANX1h5x-I

Sept 26th

I’m writing from Anne’s house now. Among the apple trees, one pear tree, several crab apples, goldenrod, aster, sumac, pine, spruce, and many other species I have not noticed or don’t know by name.

I woke up a few nights ago in terrible pain. The pain felt inside my kidneys and digestive system. Also my spine and ribs. I got a tattoo on my spine, in Asheville as we drove up here to Wisconsin. It was gentle and hardly hurt, hardly scabbed. But I woke up feeling the impact, of that and all the weight it carried behind it.

Sept 9th, 2025

Today I left the dojo at 8:36 feeling humiliated. I then entered 10 min later because I forgot my bokken.

I’m trying to write about this practice

of looking at yourself every day

is training selfish?