(Or share with someone you think might be a good fit!)
The ever glamorous “almost done with a 9.5 hour hike on the day I started getting covid symptoms” photo.
“My gosh you are the memest queenest I’ve ever seen you’re perfect”
~ Some random person on the internet
“EMOTIONLESS SACK OF RICE”
~ Some other random person on the internet, lmao
“i think it's too complex to crystalize who you are into words. MULTIFACETED BEING”
~ Actual friend attempting to describe me
Let me know if you want to give me a review, because clearly, I could use some more detailed ones.
I was born and raised in the Bay Area, but spent/spend a good portion of my summers in Hawaii. I like heat and humidity, but not as much as mosquitos like me. 🙃 My record is 120+ bites in the span of about 5 minutes. Don’t walk through clouds of bugs, kids.
I tend to be interested in “how the sausage is made,” psychologically speaking. Why do people do what they do? What’s their thought process? Emotional process? I think behavior tends to make sense when you understand the full context. That being said, I am into explanations, not necessarily excuses. It’s great to know why things go a certain way so that you can change them. Philosophy and introspection are fun, but I want to be able to do something with them. No navel gazing, please 🤮. For the niche intellectuals, my favorite flavor of psychology is Existential-Phenomenological.
To be honest, I’m not particularly attached to most static identifiers. I’m content to be female and enjoy expressing my femininity, but I think if I woke up one day and was suddenly in a male body, I could eventually figure it out and be fine with it. The same goes for race and all that other stuff. I’m aware of how these things have shaped my experience, of course, but I’m rather loosely attached to them. The same goes for most of my physical possessions. While I’m definitely not a minimalist, I strongly suspect I could live without many of the things I have and adjust to it. It’s not that any of these things don’t matter, it’s that they don’t have to matter. Also more of a saver than a spender.
What I do think is worth hanging onto is social connection. The people I love are deeply important to me, and when I consider someone a close friend, I make an effort to stay in touch and work out issues if they come up. I appreciate situations where we can give feedback to each other and trust that it’s coming from a place of care and investment in the relationship. Have you ever talked to old people about what they think is important? If they have regrets, it’s basically always that they didn’t spend enough quality time with loved ones. I’m a big believer in not making my own mistakes if I can learn from someone else’s, so I’m trying to prioritize the people in my life now, not later!
I like birds (except for pelicans) and am not big on cats or dogs. I’m not going to kick anybody’s puppy like some kind of psychopath, but I’m mildly allergic to cats and dogs and I grew up in a situation where I had to actively avoid them due to other people’s more severe allergies, so I’m not super comfortable around them. Hope you like budgies though, because I have several of them.
I value my health and try to maintain consistent healthy habits, but I’m not absolutist about it. Overall I want a balance between healthy, flexible, and enjoyable as far as my lifestyle is concerned. Not big on junk food, things with a lot of sugar, or ultra processed foods. Not concerned about GMOs, strict calorie counting, or having french fries once in awhile.
I’m pescatarian because a) I don’t really like the taste of most meats, b) it seems better on an environmental/ethical level than supporting industrial meat production (yes I know fish farms are a thing, but they still seem less bad), and c) I don’t really want to eat something that I would not personally feel comfortable preparing from start to finish. I feel like I could go fishing, gut a fish, and then cook it. I do not think I could raise a cow, kill it, butcher the carcass, and cook it without feeling deeply uncomfortable about the whole affair. In the modern world it seems very easy to be disconnected from our food sources and take them for granted, and I think it’s important to be conscious of what goes into the food we eat. The only gardening I do is in Stardew Valley though, because I am a plant killer in real life. Thank you farmers for keeping me from starving. 🙏
Staying active matters a lot for my mental and physical health. Also, I just don’t want to be fat. Not gonna lie about that one. I try to work out 4-5 times a week, mostly lifting at the gym. I don’t love running, but I do it anyway, mostly because running 2-3 miles takes a lot less time than walking the same distance, though the latter might be more enjoyable.
Travel is not a big part of my life. I’m not totally averse to it, but the way I want to experience the world is slow, and my ideal travel scenario is spending like, a month somewhere, so there’s no pressure to cram things into a few days and I can just wander around and discover things I wasn’t looking for. My nightmare travel scenario is a week of having a strict itinerary that allots only 30 minutes per activity, of which there are about 20 per day, and then I get my luggage and/or passport stolen and I’m human trafficked or something. This has never happened to me, and I’m hoping not to lose my streak there.
My work is confined to specific hours, and when I leave work, I do not think about it for the rest of the day. I actually do enjoy my job and I’m fairly passionate about the field, but I never want to be the type of person who doesn’t have boundaries between their work life and personal life.
Having unstructured free time is also important to me. I like having gaps in my schedule where I can be flexible with what I end up doing. Maybe I want to go down a rabbit hole and read a bunch of ACX posts and all the pages they link. Maybe I want to spend extra time at the gym. Maybe I want to have space to catch up with a friend. Whatever it is, I don’t want to have to worry about how I’m going to fit it in. I’m not about that grind mindset or cramming things in just to feel productive.
Assuming you vibe with the other things I’ve written here, here are some things I appreciate in potential dates:
💪 Physical
Well groomed facial hair, excluding that gross Amish beard-only style
Nice eyebrows
💗 Emotional
Able to describe how you’re feeling beyond “fine”
“It is what it is” is not your default description of difficult things in your life
You care about other people, but are able to separate your feelings from theirs
💭Personality
Open minded (but not so open that your brain falls out)
Driven to work on yourself
Compassionate, interested in long term good over short term feelgood
Judicious with money
Intellectually humble
Thoughtful
Patient
Serious about important things
And here are some things I don’t care for:
Humor that revolves around puns, dad jokes, needless cruelty, media references, or provocation
Fragility/thin skin/taking everything personally
Inability to read between the lines
Unhealthy lifestyles
Redpill ideology
Dichotomous thinking
In all honesty, I’m flexible on a number of things when the vibes are really good with someone, and am open to reasonable compromises, but I generally find I do not vibe well with people who are inflexible in their thinking/lifestyle.
Big on quality time (e.g. good conversation, doing activities we both enjoy together; NOT sitting in silence browsing Netflix), and receiving meaningful gifts (something handmade > something expensive). Oddly enough I’m more likely to express affection through physical touch or acts of service though. I am a terrible match for people who hate being touched. My feelings about words of affirmation depend on the situation.
When I really like someone, I do not need alone time from them. I can easily have an 8+ hour long conversation and still want more if I’m enjoying your company, but I also understand that sometimes we have to do other things like “sleep” and “work”, which is lame, but I can deal and be mindful of time constraints. If you are a super mega introvert whose internal organs will start liquefying if you must be in the presence of other humans for longer than a couple hours with no exceptions, I may not be the person for you. Having said that, I am not offended by my partner wanting to spend time with friends or not being constantly available; I just want to be with someone who is mutually energized by me. While I’m fine doing stuff on my own, I do think most things are better with company.
Looking for a serious relationship that leads to marriage and kids. In this world of hookups I am apparently maladaptively monogamous, because it’s pretty hard for me to even be attracted to more than one person at a time without some effort. I’m not the type to have multiple first dates lined up at once, nor am I the type to have a bunch of ongoing flirtatious conversations with different people. Sorry simp army, you’ll have to find another leader.
I tend to lean towards more traditional gender roles, not in a tradwife way, but I appreciate guys who make me feel physically protected, provided for on some level, and who bring masculinity to balance my femininity. In a relationship this also means I prefer a division of labor where we have different things we each take care of rather than every task being shared.
When conflict comes up, as it typically does if you’re being truly honest with each other, I heavily prefer to have a calm discussion about it where we do our best to give each other the benefit of the doubt and understand each other’s viewpoints. If things do get heated, I want a mutually-agreed upon plan in place to handle it (e.g. do we take 20 minutes of space and come back to it?). But regardless of the situation, if I see my partner hurting, I put my feelings aside for the moment to address it, and I want that to be reciprocated. No matter how angry or upset you are, you should never stop respecting and caring for your partner’s feelings.
Life is more small ordinary moments than big exciting adventures. If we can’t enjoy something simple like an errand run or a no-frills weeknight meal together, it won’t matter what flashy trips or fancy dates we go on. Sometimes the best times are just sitting around in pajamas and talking for hours.
With regards to raising kids, I would very much prefer having parents and/or other family members or close friends nearby to be the village that raises the children. Having an isolated nuclear family is not appealing to me.
I’m not squeamish about touching pigeons, but some of these guys were definitely dumpster divers.
I have my hair at varying lengths, depending on how I feel and how much I want my head and neck to hurt. Heavy is the head that wears the thick hair. 😔
What better place to lounge in a pseudo-goth outfit than an absurdly fancy estate sale bathtub?