This blog post is just a collection of random thoughts and reflects only my personal views.

The time I have left to spend at the East Asian Library is limited. On May 31, I’ll be flying to a small town in Indiana to conduct summer research.

I didn’t discover the East Asian Library until a month after arriving at Berkeley. I’ve always been particularly interested in history and have a deep connection to Chinese culture, so I wanted to come here to “soak up the atmosphere.” On my first visit, I was captivated by the vast collection of East Asian books and saw many famous figures. Combined with the EAL’s wonderful environment, I gradually started spending more and more time there.

I’ve already written about why I decided to transfer to US in a previous blog post.

I applied to a few schools for the January 2026 intake, and the results were pretty good. But I want to do HCI/Accessibility Research (even though I haven’t actually done any proper research yet). UW only accepts transfer students for the September intake, so I must apply again.To be honest, reapplying involves quite a few risks and requires a lot of extra effort. Plus, UW doesn’t admit many students, so if I don’t get in, it’ll feel like I’ve wasted a semester—but I don’t really mind.

While preparing my application, I discovered that my Duolingo score had been canceled and my account suspended. That’s just how this test works: even though I didn’t do anything wrong—and even used that score to secure my admission—it was still revoked long after the fact. I no longer had any valid English test scores, so I had to take one in the U.S. Due to some issues, I couldn’t book an IELTS test in San Francisco, so I had to fly to Seattle the day before the deadline to take the exam. I didn’t dare tell my parents about this because the round-trip flight was really expensive (for me), and I had to pay for it out of my own limited living expenses. A little side note: The examiner asked great questions during the speaking section. I talked at length about my aspirations, the research I wanted to do, and the vision I hoped to realize. By the end of the test, I’d talked myself into tears. Thankfully, I passed the exam in the end, so at least I wouldn’t get a desk reject.

I plan to apply to the UW iSchool, which is a relatively competitive program that requires a separate review by the school. UW’s admissions process involves being accepted by the school first, followed by university-wide admission.It’s a unique school with its own prerequisite courses, but I hadn’t completed them before applying. So, during my first month in the U.S., I was frantically taking those prerequisite courses. I ended up completing four courses totaling 12 units within two months, plus four tech courses I took at UC Berkeley. The workload in the beginning was really intense. I completed 28 credits this semester; at this pace, I could graduate in two years (four semesters)—though, of course, my grades aren’t great, and I haven’t really learned anything.

There’s a lab at Berkeley I’m really interested in, and I wanted to join to learn more, but when I first arrived, I was just too swamped with other things, so I didn’t apply. I missed the opportunity at the start of the semester, and by then everyone else was probably busy too. After I finally mustered the courage to fill out the application form, I didn’t get a response (even though I tried to get a recommendation from a PhD student I knew). After reflecting on it, I realized the reason was simply that I wasn’t qualified enough. The PI prefers students who can work in the lab long-term and independently lead projects—unfortunately, I didn’t meet either of those criteria.

I had to find something to do for the summer. At a friend’s suggestion, I applied for an official summer research program at a university in the Midwest. Although I had absolutely no relevant research experience, I made some minor adjustments to my resume, wrote a thoughtful personal statement, and submitted my application. I woke up very early on March 10th to find a waitlist notification. This was exactly what I’d expected—it didn’t come as a surprise, nor did it make me particularly sad. But one day a week later, while I was studying for my EAL exam, I received an offer to join the program. I later learned that a student had declined their spot, freeing up a position. I spent an entire afternoon thinking it over and ultimately accepted the offer.

Throughout March, I kept thinking about how to write my iSchool essay. I finally submitted my application the day before the April 5th deadline, which felt like I’d completed the most important task of the semester. The admission results were scheduled to be released at 3:00 PM sharp on May 8th. At that point, I actually had time to focus on my coursework and catch up on what I’d fallen behind on, but I didn’t. I just kept slacking off (in every sense of the word), and my grades ended up being terrible—which might have cost me my chance to get into the Allen School at UW.

Time slowly crept up to May 8th. I sat in the EAL waiting to check the results. I logged in right at 3:00 PM, feeling a little nervous, but the results weren’t up yet. I opened Reddit, and it turned out no one had seen them yet. After refreshing repeatedly with no luck, I gave up and went for a walk around campus. Around 3:40 PM, I saw people on Reddit getting accepted, so I returned to the EAL.I opened the Portal and saw the ribbon and the “Congratulations” message at the top—I figured I’d made it. The result was unexpected yet logical; I had perfect grades in my prerequisite courses and a strong personal statement—that was all I could do. I first sent a WeChat message to my parents, then messaged my advisor from last summer to share the relatively good news. After finishing my work that evening, I wrote an email to a professor at my previous school.

Believe it or not, I was happy for no more than 30 minutes. A friend of mine received his UW acceptance a week later, on Friday, and he was so thrilled he didn’t eat all day and couldn’t sleep that night. To be honest, I envied him—I envied his ability to feel “excitement.” I can’t even remember the last time I felt such genuine joy from the bottom of my heart.Getting accepted to XXX won’t bring me immense joy or a sense of accomplishment, even though I’ve invested a huge amount of time, energy, and money. Similarly, I’ve realized that publishing countless papers, getting into a top-10 PhD program, or landing a big-name tech company’s generous package won’t bring me that so-called joy either—I suspect it wouldn’t even last 20 minutes next time. Of course, I probably don’t have the ability to publish countless papers or get a top-10 offer anyway, so this is just me worrying needlessly.The joy derived from these achievements pales in comparison to the fulfillment I get from volunteering at a community for the blind. A friend who studies psychology offered this incisive insight: “Your early exposure to a high-pressure environment shaped a psychological circuit that resists meaningless competition. Your environment and psychological development have molded your self-identity to reject being defined by external standards.” Of course, getting into UW or a more prestigious school has its merits, but for me personally, it’s not about showing off—I’ve genuinely lost interest in that.I think there will be more opportunities for my voice to be heard, thereby helping more people in need—the people I want to help.

On the evening of May 8th, I posted an Instagram Story telling everyone I was going to UW, or rather, just casually sharing some thoughts. To my surprise, a very senior alumnus sent me a congratulatory message, telling me he was a student of XXX, had read my blog, and thought I was very brave.Actually, he didn’t need to tell me who he was, because I’d known him for a long time. A year ago, I’d spotted him from afar at a conference; he was so outstanding that I didn’t dare say hello—his entire lab was incredibly strong.We chatted, and he expressed a desire to recruit truly motivated students to help bring his ideas to life. I asked him what kind of student he considered “motivated,” and he replied, “I think you’re pretty motivated.” Growing up in an environment that lacked encouragement and confidence, receiving that recognition and support truly made me happy.

But that was followed by anxiety and unease. My summer advisor offered me a spot without even interviewing me. If he finds out I don’t actually know anything—that I struggle with data structures—will he feel like he’s been tricked? Since I can’t communicate in English normally, will he wonder how I even got into the U.S.? The peers admitted alongside me are all incredibly talented. Will I be unable to do anything right, end up holding everyone back, or just serve as a mascot?(I’m not interested in comparing myself to others.) Since starting college, I’ve been coasting through life. Last year, I was busy with things unrelated to my studies—I barely attended any computer science classes and have no technical skills. I’m nowhere near as good as the seniors say I am; I’m just a daydreamer, an idealist who’s done nothing but apply for a transfer. Most of the time, I’m overthinking things and getting nothing done. Even though they’ve all said they don’t have high expectations for undergraduates, I have expectations for myself. I don’t want to leave others with the impression that I’m unreliable or incompetent. Is it true that as long as I don’t do anything, I’ll always leave a good impression—or at least not a bad one…?

写于UC Berkeley East Asian Library

本条Blog是一些闲言碎语，只代表个人观点。

能待在East Asian Library的时间屈指可数了。 5.31日我就要飞到印第安纳的一个小镇去做Summer Research了。

我是在来到Berkeley一个月才知道East Asian Library的，我一直对历史特别感兴趣，并且对中华文化有很深刻的认同，所以就想可以来这里“熏陶”一下，第一次来被各种东亚图书吸引，也看到了许多知名的人物，再加上EAL环境很好，后来我待在EAL的时间就渐渐多了起来。

关于我为什么要转学来美国，我已经写在了前面的Blog。

2026.1月入学的学校我申请了几个，结果都还不错。但是我想做HCI/Accessibility Research（虽然我到现在也没有正儿八经干过什么Research）。UW 只招收九月入学的转学生，好吧那我就再申请一次。老实讲再申请有不少风险，并且要耗费很多额外的精力，再加上UW一直不怎么录取学生，如果没有录取，我更像浪费了一学期时间，但我其实不怎么在意。

准备申请的时候才发现我的多邻国成绩被Cancel并且封号了，这个考试就是这样，明明什么也没干，甚至用成绩拿到了入学资格，过了很久还要被取消。 我没有可以用的英语成绩了，必须在美国考一个，由于一些原因旧金山的雅思约不到了，我只能在DDL前一天飞到Seattle，完成了考试，我不敢和家长说这件事，因为来回的机票真的很贵（对我来说），我只能用自己不多的生活费来支付。 一个小插曲：口语考官问的问题很好，我和他大谈我的理想，我想做的Research，我想实现的愿景，最后考完试我把自己都说得感动哭了。还好，最后考过了Bar，起码不至于被Desk Reject。

我打算申请UW iSchool，这是一个相对Competitive的School，需要学院单独审核。UW的录取制度是学院录取后，学校再录取。这是一个神奇的School，有自己的前置课，但是我在申请前没有完成，所以在来到美国的第一个月我就在疯狂上前置课，最后在两个月内完成了四门总共12 Units的课，再加上UCB选了四门Tech，前期的任务量真的有些大。这学期完成了28学分，这个速度两年四个学期就可以毕业了（当然成绩不怎么好，也没学到任何东西）。

Berkeley有一个很感兴趣的Lab，我想加入学习一下，但是刚来的时候事情实在过多，也就没有申请，错过了学期初可能大家也就忙起来了。在我鼓起勇气填了申请表之后，没有得到回复（即使我试图找认识的Phd推荐）。我反思后认为原因就是不够Qualified, PI更喜欢可以长期在Lab工作，并且可以独立Lead项目的学生，很可惜，我哪一条都不满足。

总得给暑假找个去处，在朋友的提议下，我申请了中部一个学校的官方暑研，但是我完全没有相关的Research经验，我简单修改了简历，认真写了一份Personal Statement，抱着试一试的心态就投递了。 3.10日很早醒来收到了Waitlist的通知，这在我的预料之中，并没有太意外，也没有很悲伤。但是一周后的某一天，我在EAL学习的时候，收到了转正Offer，事后知道是T同学放弃了资格，位置就空出来了。 我花了一个中午来考虑，最后接下了Offer。

三月份一直在想怎么写iSchool的Essay，最后在4.5DDL的前一天交上了申请，貌似完成了这学期最重要的事情，School Admission会在5.8日下午三点准时公布。其实这个时候我就有时间来专注学校的课程来补拉下的进度，但是我也没有，我只是在一味的躺平（各种意义上），最后成绩特别差，可能也会让我丧失在UW进入Allen School的机会。

时间慢慢来到了5.8日，我坐在EAL等待查询结果。三点准时进去，有一些小紧张，但没有出结果。点开Reddit，结果大家都没查到，后面反复刷也没有，后面干脆摆烂去校园转了一下。大概三点四十多的时候，Reddit上已经有人录取，我就回到了EAL。点开Portal，看到了彩带，以及开头的Congratulations,我想应该是进了。这个结果在我意料之外却也合乎情理，我有满绩的前置课，足够强的个人陈述，我能做的也只有这些。我先是给爸妈发了一条微信，又给我去年暑假的Advisor发送了微信，分享这个还算不错的消息，晚上忙完之后又写了一封邮件给原来学校的老师。

Believe it or not, 我仅仅开心了不超过30分钟。一位朋友在一周之后的周五也拿到了UW的录取，他高兴得一天没吃饭晚上睡不着。说实话我很羡慕他，羡慕他拥有“兴奋”的能力，我已经忘记上一次我发自内心的如此开心是什么时候了。被XXX录取这件事不会让我获得巨大的快乐巨大的成就感，即使我付出了大量的时间精力金钱。同样我也意识到了发N篇论文，申请上TOP10的Phd/进大厂拿大的Package，都不会让我获得所谓的欢愉，我想下次甚至不会超过20分钟。当然我想我也没能力发N篇论文，拿Top10的Offer，这是在瞎操心。这些成就带来的欢愉，远不如我去盲人社区做Volunteer来的多。 一位心理学的朋友锐评如下：早期的高压环境导致你对无意义竞争的抵触的心理回路，你的认知被你的环境和心理发展塑造成不要被外界定义的自我认同。当然进UW，去更Big Name的学校当然有意义，但对我个人而言应该不是装X的意义，我对这个也确实无感了。我想会是有更多的机会，让我的话被别人听到，从而帮助到更多需要帮助的人（我想帮助的人）。

5.8日晚，我Post了一个Ins的Story，告诉大家我要去UW了，或者说只是随意的分享一些东西。令我意外的是，一个很Senior的前辈给我发来了祝贺，告诉我他是XXX的学生，看过我写的Blog，觉得我很有勇气。其实他不用告诉我他是谁，因为我很早就知道他，一年前我也在会场远远地观望过他，他太过优秀以至于我不敢和他打招呼，他们整个Lab都足够Strong。我们进行了交流，他表达出想招真正Motivated的学生来一起实现Idea，我问他你觉得什么样的学生才Motivated，他回复我说：我觉得你就挺Motivated的。从小的成长环境让我相对缺乏鼓励与自信，能得到认可与鼓励，着实让我开心。

但随之而来的是焦虑与不安。暑假的Advisor没有面试就给我发了Offer，如果他发现我其实什么也不会，Date Structure学着费劲，会不会觉得上当受骗？英语没有办法正常沟通，会不会怀疑我怎么来美国的？ 一起被录进去的Peer实力都很强，我会不会什么也干不好，只能拖累进度，或是充当吉祥物？（我对和别人比较并不感兴趣） 进入大学后使劲躺平，去年也都在忙活学习之外的事情，计算机的课没上过几节，Tech技能也没有。 我哪有前辈说的那么好，不过是白日做梦，一个除了申请转学之外啥也没干的理想主义者而已，大多数时间都在Overthinking，什么也没干罢了。 即使他们都表明对Undergraduate没有过多的Expectation，但是我对自己有Expectation，我不想给别人留下办事不靠谱，能力差的印象。是不是我只要不去做，就永远能够留下一个好的印象，起码不会是差的印象…..

我想起了《篇章》的歌词：

你曾经灼热的眼眶 是人生中少数的笨拙又可贵的时刻 一去不返的我们啊 就肆意地追逐吧 有你目送就不算落单