Friends come and go, and some are better to let go off. I’m going to share my experience with friends and toxic friends to help you. But remember, every person has their own values and norms so it could be possible that what I experienced as toxic might not seem toxic to you or the other way around.
I think most of us have watched the popular sitcom with the same title as this section ‘Friends’ or literally any type of media. From very early, when you still watch cartoon and read books with only drawings, the term “friends” or “Friendship” is pushed up on us. You see a group of friends going on an adventure, you read about a group of close friends who solve a mystery,… And sometimes this isn’t far off from reality, but most of the times it’s not like that. And yeah, they have fights and love problems and family drama and all of that, but the image that we get of ‘friends’ from such a young age is almost never representative.
You meet people in kindergarden, you play together, paint together, sit together in the talk circle and if you’re lucky those people follow you to elementary school, where you start to have longer conversations, the play becomes more in debt,… When I went to middle school I rarely saw my friends from elementary anymore, sometimes on the bus but when the weather was good they went by bike. And I know some people, like my aunt for example, are still close friends with their “childhood bestie” but let me tell you, a bunch of people don’t even remember your name even though you spend six to nine years for ten months a year and for roughly eight hours a day together. In middle school and high school those relationships become more valuable and deeper. You’re older and maybe wiser, so your emotional and social development has been improved so those relationships could definiatly last longer. Then college/uni or work comes around and you’re an adult now, and as a 20 something I know how hard it is to make friends. You’re smarter and more competent of regulation emotions, and yeah, those stupid high school fights with your ‘bff’ go away (for the most part) but everyone becomes so busy. Brenda works, Emily has exams, John has the night shift that day, so no, we can’t meet up to see each other 1 hour to have a coffee together. And of course you can make friends as an adult, I have friends, obviously, but it’s so different then when you are younger.
My pervious section was very negative so now I’m here to tell you something positive, jej. While making and keeping friends is difficult, you will find your people, even if it’s just one person. Older people and neurodivergent people mostly prefer quality over quantity in friendships, they rather have 1 or 2 or 3 good close friends then 10 or 20 or 25 friends, or more like people you ‘hang out’ with, and that is totally okay. If you’re feeling lonely right now, take small steps in trying to find your people. Make sure other people know who you are, your style, your interests, your values and norms,… You don’t need to just talk to people, it can be subtle like a t-shirt of your favorite band, leaving a comment on a post of someone who you think would be nice to have as a friend,… My best friend and I met through my own comment section, she reacted to my video because we had the same interest and while she lives in Bulgaria and I in Belgium, we don’t see each other, but our bond got so strong over the years that it feels like I actually met her. Talk to people in your new class, compliment a stranger on their clothes, go to a concert or festival, take your headphones off in a cafe,… and maybe your person notices you back.
Back to the negativity, sorry. I’ve talked about ‘finding your person’ and maybe you did that, but then later it seems like maybe it doesn’t match after all, and that’s okay. Sometimes a person can match some of values and norms (this is so important so I keep bringing it up) but then later you realise the norms and values they don’t match weight havier than the ones that do, and then it’s best to go seperate ways. Sometimes, when you think you found a person, you pour your heart out to them, let them in your home, share secrets, meet their family,… and you can do that, if that person is making you feel good in that moment then yeah, have a real friendship, share things, talk, think together, create together and when the bond is broken for some reason be sad, of course, but don’t mourn that you shared things with that person, because in those moments when the bond was still strong you felt the need to share that. Someone on TikTok (I know, very good scorce) said, it was around New Years Eve of 2024 “I thank you for all the things we’ve done together, but when the clock hits midnight I’m leaving you in 2024.” So remember that when you feel bad about stopping a friendship.
to be continued