Time for friends is a privilege but it’s also a matter of priorities. Amongst your friends, is there any correlation between the people with the most wealth and the people with the most time for friends? No! We used to be a society where the wealthy did not toil, but now we are a society where the more money you make, the longer hours you work. Not just normal work, but all-consuming work, slippery work, work that becomes the central axis of our lives, either out of necessity or compulsion. Another problem is Western individualism, which compels bourgeois Westerns to focus what small amount of energy we have either on optimizing ourselves (exercise, skin care, “self-care”) or on our very close familial circle (that amorphous, ever-expanding activity known as “parenting”).

If you're in your 30s, here's how your friendships might evolve for the rest of your life:

Late 30s/40s: Reckoning with the state of friendship, attempting to rekindle ones that have gone fallow or let go of ones that feel toxic, a little more time and space to figure out how to show up for existing friendships. A bunch of seismic events (big losses, aging parents, divorces, illnesses) that challenge and clarify friendships….but still just not a ton of time/space for cultivating new ones. It’s more like: this is the time to figure out how to cherish and prioritize your existing ones.

Mid-60s and Beyond: Retired or nearly so and lots of time to mold to your whims — starting new hobbies or rekindling old ones, volunteering on a regular basis, being a person who can show up and help out (for your own family, but also for the community). More time to visit. More time to walk. More time to help out. More time for illness support groups and driving others to the doctor. More time for your family, sure, but more time for your peers — particularly if you live in a place with a bunch of your peers in close proximity, whether a retirement community or just a neighborhood with other retired-ish people.