Perception Shifts Across the 4 Modes

Why the same action looks and feels different depending on the mode—and why abusers may not recognize their behavior as abuse

Why Perception Shifts Matter in the 4-Mode System

One of the hardest things about emotional harm is that the same action can mean very different things depending on which mode someone is in.

A boundary can feel like love in Belonging, but like rejection in Defense.
A correction can feel like support in Belonging, but like humiliation in Manipulation or Oppression.
An apology can feel genuine in Belonging, but like strategy when spoken from Control.

This is why people often disagree so fiercely about “what happened.” Each mode changes both self-perception and how others are experienced.

Aspect	Connect–Belonging (Connection)	Protect–Defense (Protection)	Control–Manipulation (Control)	Oppressive–Tyrant (Oppression)
Self-View	“I’m safe enough to be real.”	“I must protect myself.”	“I can shape how others see me.”	“I must control everything to stay safe.”
How Others Are Seen	As people to connect and co-regulate with	As potential threats	As tools to influence	As resources or obstacles
Boundaries	Respected, welcomed	Misread as rejection	Negotiated or bypassed	Erased or punished
Truth/Honesty	Shared openly	Filtered through self-protection	Bent for advantage	Suppressed or weaponized
Conflict	An opportunity for repair	A danger to defend against	A chance to manipulate outcome	A battlefield to dominate
Empathy	Felt as mutual and safe	Limited, narrowed by fear	Selective, strategic	Absent — others dehumanized

In Protect–Defense, people believe they’re just surviving.
In Control–Manipulation, harm feels “justified” because they still tell themselves it’s about safety.
In Oppressive–Tyrant, empathy is shut off entirely. Actions that feel devastating to others can feel like “leadership,” “discipline,” or even “care” from inside the mode.