Nonviolent Communication, Marshall Rosenberg

Key ideas

Let’s not judge each other as right or wrong

Let’s act in a way that can contribute to each other’s well being

Listen for feelings and needs

Connect with consciousness

Feels

“Feel” followed by that, like, as if or any noun = not “true feeling”

Self judgement:

• I feel inadequate as a guitar player (assessing ability rather than expressing my feelings) vs. I feel frustrated in my guitar playing
• I feel unimportant to the people with whom I work (evaluation) vs. I feel sad/discouraged
• I feel misunderstood (evaluates level of understanding) vs. I feel anxious/annoyed
• I feel ignored (interpretation of actions of others) vs. I feel abandoned, abused, attacked, unappreciated, unwanted (specific emotions)

Be aware of emotion vs interpretation/diagnosis of another person

Good vs bad prevent reader from connecting easily

Connect emotion to cause of discomfort; add something that the other person could do to alleviate discomfort

Develop a rich vocabulary of needs: differentiate ****needs from requests/strategies

Learning a Language of needs

• needs are universal
• "she is irresponsible with money" vs. "I have a need to economically protect the family"
• "we will run out of money if we trust her" vs. "she has a need to be trusted"

Manfred Max Neef - taxonomy of fundamental human needs

Human needs - sustenance, safety, empathy, honesty, celebration, play, love, warm and accepting community, autonomy

Denial of personal responsibility

• “have to”
• “you make me feel guilty”
• instead: I choose to _______ because _________

Move away from reward/punishment

• there are other ways of keeping social order
• people should do things because of intrinsic motivation, not extrinsic reward (esp. praise and compliments)

Nonviolent communication = intention is to create the quantity of connection for everyone to get their needs met compassionately

Observations (observable behavior) vs. evaluations

KEEP OBSERVATIONS AND EVALUATIONS SEPARATE

• let’s not judge others’ behavior
  • no generalizations
  • "he has a big mouth" vs. "he would relate to war experiences during staff meetings, which would last 20 minutes more than expected"
  • "Doug procrastinated" vs "Doug only studied for the exam the night before"
• prediction with certainty
  • If you don’t eat healthy, balanced meals, your health will be impaired vs. if you don’t eat balanced meals, I feel your health may be impaired
• adv. + adj
  • Jim is ugly vs. Jim’s looks don’t appeal to me
• always, never
  • she’s never there when she’s needed vs. there have been several times when I called upon her and she wasn’t available
• frequently, seldom
  • you seldom do what I want vs. the last three times I initiated an activity you said you didn’t want to do it
• evaluations provoke defensiveness rather than compassion; speak your feelings rather than hiding your vulnerability

Take responsibility for your feelings

our feelings are a result for what we choose to do

Use "BECAUSE I ..." rather than "You make me feel ..." , etc.

It’s not others’ actions that make us feel a certain way, but we are interpreting ourselves to make us feel those feelings

We want to communicate from our needs rather than analyze in a judgmental way

The more directly we connect our feelings to our own needs, the easier it is for others to understand us

Positive action language

Express what you do want, rather than what you don’t want

• ask for specific actions - avoid vague, abstract phrasing

Be aware of what you’re requesting

Ask other to reflect back when we openly express ourselves

Make sure requests are not heard as demands (punished, guilted, shamed, coerced)

• don’t blame
• empathize with needs - express a respectful recognition
• don’t interpret noncompliance as rejection

Avoid - should, supposed to, justified

Empathic connection

• being heard
• reflective listening
• focus on feelings and needs
• if I’m understanding you, your need for respect isn’t being met
• don’t put "But" to the face of an angry person

Nonviolent communication with self

• make mistakes - don’t let growing and learning be guided by self hatred
• human beings are not meant to be slaves - that’s why "should" and "have" to don’t work
• when we imply that someone is wrong or bad, what we mean is that they are not acting in harmony with our needs

Use language that acknowledges choice

Gain clarity about the need being served by our actions

Make "have to" → "I choose to _____ because I want to ____" list

Avoid guilt, shame, robot-like mentality

Do things out of play; enrich life moment by moment; make life play

Using force

Protective versus punitive (generates resentment and hostility)

Anger

Root = Not being in connection with needs, finding fault, blaming the other person

• punitive guy

Divorce other person from all responsibility; recognize that it is a stimulus for anger, but not a cause

Guilt - manipulation/coercion

• It disappoints me when you don’t study
• I felt anger because they did not respond to
• BUT OUR FEELINGS DO NOT RESULT FROM what OTHERS DO

Be fully conscious of our need

• Instead, shine light on our own needs; be connected to our need- we may have strong feelings but we’re never angry
• Focus on what needs are being met
• Shine light on the others' needs; connect and be fully present

Differentiate "I am angry because of what they did" vs "I’m angry because I’m needing (what I’m needing) and get in touch with (what I’m needing)"

It’s not what others do, but the images and interpretations in our heads that produces the anger

Make a list of “I don’t like people who are ____” and recognize what your needs are

• to practice NVC, we need to proceed slowly or not speak at all

Expressing gratitude

Transform praise into appreciation

• There is no value in being told what we are (Ex. You are so intelligent)

Instead, ask:

• What did I do that contributed to your life?
• How do you feel due to me saying those two things? (Ex. I felt hopeful and relieved)
• What needs of yours did I meet? (Ex. You have me concrete direction for connecting)

Receive gratitude joyfully (vs. egotism/false humility - shrugging it off)

• avoid pitfall of false humility

it is our light not our darkness that frightens us

• by letting our own light shine, we let others do the same

Be aware of how often you complain about things going wrong vs. right

• we crave appreciation
• celebrate what we did do
• avoid “if I’m 98% correct it’s the 2% I didn’t do”