11/14/2025

I’ve always been punished for being who I am. I was taught that being human and flawed made me unsafe, unlovable. I believed other people’s stories about me, because I didn’t want get lost in emotions. I was terrified that if I let myself feel, I would lose my self-awareness and emotional intelligence that I admire so much. That I would be human! I’ve had to watch myself be human, while others didn’t have to. They could do whatever they wanted without consequences. I always saw their perspective first. I was never allowed to have my own.

It hurts knowing that I can’t blame her. That yes, I was never bad. But neither was she. I want, so badly, to blame her like she blamed me. But maybe, I can hold both. Maybe, I’m allowed to be angry at how unfairly she treated me. Maybe, I’m allowed to say that I always understood her, but she never understood me. Even if she was hurt, I am allowed to be hurt too. My pain deserves acknowledgement too. I forced myself to believe that I am the version of me that she saw. That I am bad. I wasn’t allowed to have a side. But what if, I am good? What if I am actually a very empathetic person? She’s not the only empath here! We were two empaths innocently hurting each other, but I had to be the one to hold both of our pain, while she got to be the victim. Yet I will always love her deeply.

I made myself so aware of everything I did wrong, so that I could fix it. So that I could be better. So that I never hurt someone else like I hurt her. I didn’t let myself have friends, because what if I hurt them? What if my brokenness spoils them? What if I am bad? What if I am a narcissist? I am the only bad one, after all! I am not allowed to be hurt because I hurt someone!

But really, I’m not bad at all. I’ve done one bad thing in my entire life! I’ve only hurt someone this deeply once. And I did it because was hurt too!

Maybe, I’m a good person who did the best I could with the resources I had. Truly, I always have people’s best interest at heart. I am kind. I love deeply. I care deeply. I have never been intentionally unkind to anyone, because I didn’t want anyone to feel how I always felt. I treat people well, even when they treat me poorly. I help people, even when they don’t help me, without resenting them for it! Because I love helping others. I love giving. I AM A GOOD PERSON!

I love who I am. I love that I love so deeply, even when I’m exhausted. I love that I always see the best in people. I love that I know how to take care of myself first, so that I can take care of others. I love how intelligent I am. My brain is powerful! I love how brave I am. That I face the truth head-on, even when it’s scary. That I’m not afraid to call myself out when I mess up. That I value growth. That I am learning how to allow myself to rest. That I am so patient! Honestly, my patience is rare! I am so resilient! I have been through so much, yet here I am, still choosing kindness every single time. I don’t lash out at people, I think things through beforehand. I love how sensitive I am. My sensitivity was never a flaw, it’s a gift. I love that I notice small things that most people don’t notice. I love that I naturally speak in a poetic way. I love that I am choosing to use my pain to help others, rather than to hurt them. I am honest, but kind. I can’t believe I let people convince me that I have even one evil bone in my body!