Incoming” or “open-fire” refers to input (especially unexpected input) from your spouse regarding your poor performance or character weakness. This can cause “flooding” (an expression coined by Dr. John Gottman) meaning: “I’m getting overwhelmed and defensive. I’m going down. May day. May day. Please, no more for now.”
This can present a paradox.
On one hand, it’s so important that your partner feels free to speak his or her mind and heart when his feelings are most present- otherwise he or she will bury these feelings and drift away from you.
On the other hand, “open fire”, especially when it comes without warning, can be destructive, and unless the receiver is completely willing and ready, can move you further- not closer, to the solutions you are seeking.
This paradox is solved with patience, consideration, discernment, and commitment.
Managing “incoming”, with the above in mind, leaves you with several choices (discussed below),= featuring 2 overarching themes:
1) Even if an airplane is on fire, if you are at all willing and able, clear the landing. But…
2) Even a feather landing on a pile of stress or lack of emotional space, it can cause a meltdown.
Only you can decide what you feel is best.
When you are not feeling ready for input, especially if your spouse is leaning more toward criticizing you, rather than sharing his or her’s fears and feelings, you will want some brief, clear statements to navigate your communication toward safety and peace.
Before providing examples of these kinds of statements and options, consider setting yourself up for success by giving your spouse some very good news, below.
Managing incoming requires pre-support- support you probably won’t get in the heat of a conflict.  Wait for a quiet moment. Invite your spouse to give you his or her attention for a few minutes. Sit next to him or her, take his hands in yours and read the statements below to him or her, looking into his or her eyes as much as possible:
"Honey, I want to give you some very important and very good news. Â It's in 3 parts:
1) I have never been more committed. No question about it. I'm here for you and when you need to talk I’m going to listen- even when it’s hard, I’m going to do my very best to hear you.
2) Even better news; When I am uncomfortable with our communication (no matter who's fault it is), or if I’m low in emotional space, I will let you know and we will have to either get to a peaceful conversation or come back to the issue later.
3) In any event, we will work through every issue we have, one by one- coming back to an issue (if necessary) as many times as it takes until we have something that works for both of us.
This 3 point promise is core to managing incoming. Please share this with each other as much as needed. You might even make it part of your Weekly Inventory. In each occassion of sharing this, we hope you’ll sincerely appreciate just how big this news is.
As mentioned, "incoming" is not black or white. Additionally, in the realm of criticism, it comes in different forms and intensity i.e.
• Blatant criticism (pure, open fire) • Implication of poor performance. • Implication of flawed or weak character. • Lecturing or providing “helpful” input when a lecture or input was not requested. • Facial or other non verbal communication implying poor performance or flawed character.
Any of the above, regardless of what level it as at i.e. 1 to 10 (10 being the highest) could be considered "incoming" or “open fire.”  To further understand this term, note that fire in a fireplace (communication contained in good protocol) will warm your home and your lives. Fire that is not contained (i.e. on the rug or furniture vs. the fireplace) tends to burn your lives down, even if it as at a "1" (from 1 - 10).
Fire (working through your issues) ideally, is contained within a fireplace (within protocol). As nice of an idea as this is, bear in mind that your business- your commitment is not to keep others from open firing- it is to respond to it in whatever way you feel will create the most good, in the long run.
Option 1) Listen (Clear the landing)
Option 2) Postpone the communication (Delay the landing)Default choice (if you don't choose one of the above)
Option 3) Insanity (fight, flight, give up, war) What am I saying?  Choose. Before you default to insanity (fight, flight, resign, war etc), choose what you feel would be best in this moment.  What do you think would be best?  What is it you want to create? What's realistic for you?  How possible is it that God could take your hand and lead you into Option 1 or 3 (listening and/or working it out) vs. 2 (postponing).  Only you know.  It will be different answers at different times for different people.
Act with discernment. Â Know your limits.
Here’s the miracle: The more you stay with the Couples GPS program, the more you will be inclined to choose #1 or #3 (listening and/or working it out).  Be grateful if you succeed in choosing listening and/or working it out 1 out of 5 times in your early stages of progress.
With this in mind, here is another paradox your spouse and you may have to face: On one hand it’s vital that your spouse respect you as your own “control tower” (more on this below). On the other hand, if you are never clearing a landing, then she will conclude that the control tower itself is on fire, which itself, could be a deal breaker- which brings us to option 1 - if at all possible, clear the landing.
Option 1 is to just listen i.e. “Honey, let me sit down here and I’m going to just listen."
Note: The reason you say something like "Honey, I'm going to sit here and listen..." etc. is to enroll yourself and therefore maintain a sense of personal choice vs. feeling put out by someone else's story.  Self enrollment says: "I'm a volunteer, not a victim”- very important distinction.
Choosing to land the plane (to listen), even if the wings are on fire- even if are known terrorist on board, is one of the most healing experiences you can have with your spouse.
Why is this? Because it is when someone is feeling the most hurt that they are most in doubt of your love. Listening, even through the fire, is the proof they are often seeking.
In this process, it's essential to not give any excuses or clarification. That can come later when you do a Love Seat **or when you perhaps bring up your own requests (at another time). Excuses or clarification will leave your spouse feeling unheard, invalidated and invisible.
In game terms, this kind of defensiveness is sudden death. When your loved one is upset, he or she needs love and understanding. Defensiveness, clarification or excuses will make him or her feel wrong, invalid, and invisible.
Important note: You can choose option 1 (listening) even if at first, you became defensive i.e. "Please forgive me. I think I've been taking what you're saying personally. Let's start over. I really want to hear you.”
Now, listen! - with no other purpose other than to understand. Â Any sort of defense, or sharing your point of view or feelings is not a condition for you listening to his or hers with Option #1. Â As Kenny Rogers says, "Know when to hold 'em. Know when to fold 'em.
Emil Harker points out (in “Conflict to Intimacy”) that the moment you defend yourself or suggest an alternate interpretation, you’ve lost your spouse’s heart. It’s not about you right now. It’s about him or her.