❓Why do I want to do this ❓

• I want my next step to be super aligned. or even if it’s not super aligned, smt about it that don’t make me fight my reality constantly anymore
• be super kind to myself - don’t whiplash myself with unnecessary stress and pressure to do the “productive” thing. instead, always approach it from a loving coach position - patient but affirmative, do the hard things only when make sense, and do the easy thing whenever can.
• anxiety and shakiness from uncertainty will come. this is the preparation plan to coexist with those anxiety & ungroundedness when they come

❓What does this entail❓

• it also helps me face the reality better as well - neither with panic escapism nor engulfing darkness. instead with a simple acceptance and trust
• esp metta meditation. getting back in touch with the fact that there’s not really a boundary btw me and all being? like love is just there? like i’m home already and there’s no more seeking needs to be done and that every fiber of my being, regardless of whether i’m in pain or not, is a proof of love? like I can just send love to the entire universe and that’s smt I CAN do? getting in touch with that is fundamental. | | exercise (≥ 3 times/ week) | - easy, I go to the gym daily and I love what I do there =) | | ask myself “what does your heart wants to do right now?” | - easy to follow the grind: send out applications, networking, leetcode. harder to curate an evolutionary niche to thrive on. some days I feel like I have a pretty good idea of what to work on, other days I’m like “fuck I know nothing or have zero ideas how to monetize myself for survival.” But this is like working hard to pay for tổ nghề - the payment is anchoring on what my heart actually wants and working consistently on it. there’s no other way. | | sleep early and up early | - the past few days I’ve started my day at 11am, which is fine cuz I have nothing to do, but also I think it contributes to feeling rushed | | when I feel rushed, remind myself that I can enjoy this moment first and the rest will take care of itself | wait, i’m actually free and unbounded as of this moment. I’ll be bounded by 3.30pm anw, so why starts the bound early? =) | | have lots of reflections & discussions with people I admire | - People I admire/ want to brain-pick from: those who already love their job; those who aren’t loving their job but have a strong sense of how to direct their lives towards liking their job; those who don’t view career in a single-minded way (i.e. here’s a ladder lemme climb it)
• essential self-discovery, endless and continuous, better done now than avoiding it and waste another few years doing whatever tech job | | keep the routine of an hour of creative work every day | - now I can def spend more time doing creative work. but let’s keep the rhythm going. i can condition my muse to arrive on the clock if i’m consistent =). | | be clear-headed & learn to be strategic about finance | - in the next few months, the biggest sources of stress will come from uncertainty about the future & the growing fear surrounding financial insecurity. so like, technically, I have enough savings to stay in NY for 4+ months. But as the saving accounts shrink, even though I still have money I might feel very anxious. ⇒ 2 things can help with this

• invest + high yield saving accounts: grow the money without having a source of income will definitely help. These are also long-term things I wanted to set for myself
• have a clear idea of how much I can spend: haziness of where the line is + loss aversion = “oh fuck I’m overstepping myself” = stress >< the reality picture is that I’m in okay financial shape. This is a case where anchoring myself in reality will help a great deal. | | no social media (esp youtube short, ig is still a relatively ok place cuz I filtered, facebook scrolls or watching stories | - gosh watching all of them are trash, they’re not relaxing, helps turn the brain off, but ended up putting expectations on my existence as well (body, success)

• I waste lots of time on it (45m-1h before and after bed) = 2h each day total. now that all the time is actually mine, i’m even more conscious of it than when I was employed. can’t let it go to smt that serves nothing
• ???? what is the desire to turn my brain off tho? esp by waking up and sleeping time? where does this come from??? |

❓What are potential fallbacks/ easiest traps❓

• start my day really late (~11am ish)
  • cuz I was on my phone → go to bed late
  • cuz I woke up with my phone → wasting the first few hours watching random stuff to be awake but then ended up adding lots of noise
• when I feel rushed
  • when I have only ≤ 1h window to do focus work. then i’m like “oh no I need at least 2-3 hours to focus and get into the flow and be productive. what can I even do with this short time frame?”
  • → then increase anxiety + feeling like i’m wasting time + there’s not ENOUGH time (even tho the day is ample)
• finance:
  • I just happen to look the other way a lot bcz there’s so much fear around finance. not coming from money trained me to be anxious around money. let’s unlearn that this year and learn a way to be free around finance this year!!!
• stress eating
  • sometimes when i’m anxious, or at the beginning of having to do smt I have resistance to, I eat lots of snack (pleasant sensation >> unpleasant sensation).

❓How do I create safety nets for these falls ❓

• stress eating
  • easy fix: chew sweet gum. the sweetness calms my nervous system down but w.o the consequences of overeating
  • harder fix: still figuring it out, but how to check in w myself & resolve/ acknowledge the unpleasant emotions. it takes more time, and when I feel rushed I tend to not give these emotions space/ want to spend time listening to them. should I make it a priority to listen to them? if so how much?
• finance
  • [ ] look at Dec finance → create a budget for Jan
    • [ ] figure out which bucket to cut, which to keep. how much for each bucket. tbh I think the most 2 I need to keep hold of is eating out + clothes/beauty. like as long as I know what’s the upper limit for that it’s alright. cuz I don’t really spend much money elsewhere anyway.
      • factor in short trips outside of NY for my sanity =))) north Carolina, west virginia, vermont??? connecticut?? new Mexico? sf in may for shenghan hiihihihi
  • [ ] put money in high yield savings + index funds/ any other investments → know that my money will increase tiny tiny by end of year woohoo that’s good.
  • [ ] any gigs I can work and put money under the table???? some pocket money? even labour jobs is good.
• feeling rushed
  • wake up early
  • if I ever schedule anything, schedule it so that I have 2-3h of focus time blocks
  • some planning ahead for the day also helps too. like simply putting clothes out for the gym b4 heading to bed → save time when getting out of the house the next day
• wake up early
  • buy an alarm clock. all electronics out the room by 11pm. like, all - phone, laptop, tablet
  • make sure I wake up. drink some water. stretch a bit. then go meditate with Ha
• go to bed on time
  • I noticed that I have the urge to drown my consciousness with social media b4 going to bed the most if there’s an icky feeling that builds up throughout the day → don’t get to resolve it yet. so far i’ve been unsuccessful at checking in w myself b4 going to bed cuz i’m tired… and I think that checking in takes a lot of effort. but like, it actually works better from experience. how to catch myself here?

❓daily and weekly checkpoints by time order❓

• Ask friends to be accountability on certain items