Research
Relationships
- Healthy boundaries are a key element in your physical, mental, and emotional health. They look different for each person and relationship, and they may change over time.
- Healthy boundaries are also bidirectional; they involve communicating your wants and needs in a relationship, while also respecting the wants and needs of the other person in the relationship.
- They apply to any kind of relationship you have – whether with a friend, family member, partner or anyone else in your life.
- It’s important to recognize that healthy boundaries help to protect and respect you; an unhealthy boundary seeks to control or harm someone else.
- Boundaries can be both physical and emotional.
- Physical boundaries involve what you are comfortable with regarding personal space, touch, privacy, and sexual contact.
- Emotional boundaries, on the other hand, encompass the line between your feelings and the feelings of others.
- This looks like taking responsibility for your own feelings and recognizing that you cannot control what others feel. It also involves being aware of what you do/does not feel comfortable sharing with others and honoring those limits.
- Violations include: taking responsibility for another's feelings, letting another's feelings dictate your own, sacrificing your own needs to please another, blaming others for your problems, and accepting responsibility for theirs.
Personal
- Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules, or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe, and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone passes those limits.
- It can be helpful to think through your own boundaries, no matter what your relationship status is.
- Start by paying attention to how you feel about and react to situations around you, whether in real life or in shows or movies you watch.
- What makes you feel uncomfortable? What’s important to you? What do you want to keep private? Is there any type of behavior or trait that would not fly with you, ever (sometimes called a “dealbreaker”)? It might be helpful to write down some of your thoughts.
Communication
- Communication is key in a healthy relationship, and boundaries are an important part of an ongoing conversation between one another.
- Talking about boundaries can happen whenever, wherever! If your partner does something that you like or don't like, let them know. A simple, “Hey, I really like it when you…” or “I’m not comfortable when we…” lets them know what’s up.
- In a healthy relationship, partners respect each other’s boundaries once they’ve been communicated. And if you’re ever not clear on your partner’s boundaries, just ask! Questions like “Is this okay?” or “Are you cool with this?” can help jumpstart the conversation.
- Just remember: if you don’t want to talk about your boundaries with your partner because you’re afraid they’ll react with anger or violence, that’s a warning sign that your relationship might be unhealthy or abusive.
Change
- It’s normal for boundaries to shift as we gain more life experience or get more comfortable in our relationships.
- We might not be okay with something at the beginning of a relationship, but we might be totally cool with it a few months down the line.