Start of Something Wonderful from the Audiomachine release RISE.mp3

The Start of Something Wonderful - Audiomachine

^ This is what my friends and my therapist say although I wasn't convinced about it. After some reflection, I think they are right even if my relationship with the game was really a loved/hated one. What I believe is that poker is my true opportunity to change my life and yet, I haven't dedicated enough time to it, probably due to my self-sabotage mechanism being afraid to win at the game of life.

I've opened up a bunch of blogs before, with different usernames, in order to get a fresh start every single time, a start that didn't happen. I will link my previous blogs in my next entries but for now, here's a recap. I've played for many years, small stakes exclusively, with mediocre results. I got lucky though, I never studied consistently and I've managed to stay afloat in some way.

Results in BBs

Results in $

Stakes breakdown

Roughly 6 years ago I've got sick with an unknown disease and I began to withdraw my money in order to get cured, while motivation and health declined really fast like my money availability. Right now I'm doing better but I still suffer physically every day. What I did (and still do) is playing low stakes, a vicious cycle that I try to break for some reasons I cannot or I don't want, the mind could trip us up.

After years of failures, because playing millions of hands at low stakes is a failure, I have to step back and take an honest look at my journey and my life. I don't like where I am.

The last 2 months were a little bit better, but I don't feel I'm moving forward at all. I continue to feel stuck and completely apathetic

I'm the only one to blame for this, but I don't move my ass as I should, cannot pinpoint why, and here's the reason why I opened up this blog, to fully expose myself, and my weaknesses and allow others to help me out. Deep down, I do think that I'm the only one who knows better, but let's face it, results are telling me that I'm wrong. I don't have any socials, I tend to talk about myself as little as possible so other guys cannot attack me because I know they would highlight all my shit. My big, fragile, ego is afraid of being judged so he avoids confrontation completely. I need to accept that what I've done since then was wrong.

Even if I write to get help, I know I'm the only one responsible for his own salvation, so I would love to get help, but I have to acknowledge that it will be a gift, not something due. I've found out that talking to me in 2nd person seems to be more effective so I will do the same even here. I will try to be more sincere and vulnerable as possible because I think this is the only way to change for good.

Thank you for reading this GL