June 16, 2025

I feel like who I am, at my core, is too much. I overwhelm people. I overshare too much. I’m too emotional. I care too much. But at the same time, I also feel the opposite. Like I’m not good enough. No matter how hard I try, it feels impossible to be the person everyone wants me to be. I’ve spent so much of my life feeling like I have to do more. I have to impress people. I have to do it all on my own. I’m so hyper-independent because I have to be. I don’t ask for help. I don’t share how I’m feeling or what’s going on with most of the people I’m close to. Conversations stay so surface level. Because what if I open up to them and they realize that I’m insane? Or that I’m being stupid, or I’m overreacting? What if they reject me?

Growing up, I was always treated like I’m overreacting. I wasn’t allowed to express my emotions authentically because my family couldn’t handle them. I felt like I had to keep myself in this box. I had to be what everyone else thought I was. I had to go in. I couldn’t let that side of me who craves love, understanding, and true acceptance show.

I learned at a very young age that I am overwhelming and unbearable. So, now, I force myself not to feel. I tell myself that I am overreacting. I feel stupid for having emotions. I struggle with friendships. I  have no idea how to be a good friend to others when I can’t even be good to myself. I don’t understand how friendships work. How do people so easily go from being strangers to friends? How do they get over that bridge? How do I know when small talk is over and we can start having deep conversations? How do I know when that’s acceptable? Am I too much for people when I overshare rather than starting off with small talk? Why is it cute when other girls overshare but overwhelming when I do it? What am I doing wrong? Is all of me wrong?

Why do I overshare so much? Why am I always too much? Will I ever find people that can handle who I am? Or is it me that needs to change? Why is it that other girls can be vulnerable but when I do it, it’s wrong? What is it about me that’s always wrong? Is there something that I’m missing? A hidden social secret that everyone seems to know except for me? Why is it so hard to be normal? I don’t get it. Why do other girls get to be so lovable, so …, so … but I am … and …?

Why do I have to be so hyper independent? Why wasn’t I given the chance to learn in childhood? To learn who I am, to learn right from wrong. Why do I have to figure it all out now on my own? Why wasn’t I given the space to feel and learn as a kid? Why do I have to learn everything now? Why wasn’t I ever given a role model? Do I not deserve it? Is there something inherently wrong with me? Do I not fit here? Should I just be gone? People would miss me now, but what about younger me, who was never good enough. Who kept on unintentionally hurting people just because she was trying to find love. Trying to learn things that were never taught to her. Why couldn’t I have just been handed something? Anything. I have to figure it all out myself. And without supportive people, that’s hard. Without friends. Just like I did as a kid, I have no one. No one to show me the way. No one to tell me that everything is going to be okay. No one to love me for exactly who I am, flaws and all. No one to see the good in me. Why does no one ever notice how kind I am but they always seem to notice what they don’t like about me?

Why do I have to look exactly like everyone else to be accepted?