Invited to a small festivity. A simple event. Tried to eat. Imprudently. Without thinking. Perhaps thinking too much. The sweet taste kept in my tongue just like a potential promise. Don't do promises. Nausea came quickly. Violent. Relentless. Didn’t vomit. Held it back. Clung to the stubborn idea that I could endure. That denial is a kind of strength.

Nausea worsened. Sharp. Crippling. Thought I might faint. Maybe I did. Right after my way home. Rushing as fast as a trembling body could allow. Stood up. Defiance. Anger. Stood up and almost collapsed. Again. Again.

Searched the house. For cold. For heat. Overwhelmed by questions. Found neither. Only suffocating absence. Commands started to fade. Panicked. Mind no longer cared about them. Pushed them away. Wanted something else. Soft melodies. Familiar harmonies. Anything to fill a head. To drown out everything.

In bed. Still. Walls keep spinning. Turning and turning. No escape. Not even here. A light nosebleed. Sudden. Strange. Never happened before. A quiet defiance. A small, red proof of fragility. Pulsing pain at the base of my neck. Familiar. Deep. Persistent. Can feel something clicking inside. Like tiny bones snapping. Like metal scraping against itself.

As if my body is beginning to learn something. Starting to reject. Costing me everything. My strength. My clarity. My very vitality. Killing while saving.

Inside me, nothing. Vast emptiness. Cold. Silent. Just the noise. The pressure. A nonstop beating heart.