How to tell if your hook could be improved:

Remove anything that sounds like a book report.

This is by far the biggest sin of most query letters. It’s where you try to explain in detail what happens in your book, thinking that the more intriguing or juicy description you share, the more interested the agent or editor will be.

No. In fact, you want to pull back—way back. Here’s an example where there’s waaaay too much detail. (I’m using the TV series “The Vikings” as the story I’m pitching, as if it were a novel.)

In eighth century Scandinavia, a young Ragnar Lothbrok and his brother Rollo have just won a major battle together against Baltic tribesman, but Ragnar feels dissatisfied with his life. Possessing a heretofore-unknown navigational device obtained from a foreigner, he tries to convince the Earl Haraldson that instead of raiding again in the east as they’ve done for generations, they should try voyaging to the mythical lands to the west to find riches. Ragnar and Rollo argue over the which of them will lead this voyage, and they eventually agree to sail as equals and form a crew, after having their shipbuilding comrade Floki design a new, fast-moving boat. After many travails at sea including a devastating storm which almost sinks their craft, they arrive in England and plunder a monastery with their crew and take slaves back home to Scandinavia, including a young monk named Athelstan. Earl Haraldson feels threatened by the success of the raid, and Ragnar is put in his place, but not for long. A long series of raids to England begins, and Ragnar finds that as he gains confidence and stature, his brother Rollo feels left behind and jealous, and ultimately betrays him. Ragnar is torn between being loyal to family and punishing his brother.

The paragraph above is basically a plot synopsis, which we don’t want in a query. It tends to be mind numbing and sometimes hard to follow. Agents and editors want to feel excited to read the manuscript, and not linger over the query any longer than necessary. Here’s an example of how to pitch the premise and not the plot:

Young Ragnar Lothbrok, the very first Viking to sail west from Scandinavia, sets off a chain of events that will forever change England and the heart of Europe.

Ragnar is a warrior and a farmer, headstrong, who is frustrated by his kingdom’s tired tradition of raiding to the east. He has undertaken a secret project—better designed boats and navigation devices—to sail to the unknown west. Seen as an arrogant fool by his kingdom’s earl, he manages to convince enough people, including his brother, Rollo, to go with him on the unpredictable journey. His daring adventure will turn the Viking world on its head—and also turn his family against him.

Notice how this gives us a sense of what Ragnar is like and his motivations for doing what he does. We don’t need to know the plot specifics beyond what sets the story in motion and what will keep us turning the pages. You could have something a bit more detailed for a query, but not much more is needed.