Most people think great communicators are born, not made. But that’s not true. In Super communicators, Charles Duhigg reveals the learnable skills that set the best communicators apart.

Here’s what they do differently:

1. Know which type of conversation you are in:
   1. Every conversation has 3 layers:
      1. Practical (solving a problem)
      2. Emotional (expressing feelings)
      3. Social/identity (who we are to each other)
   2. Miscommunication happens when one person is in a different type of conversation than the other.
2. Ask (a lot) more questions
   1. Great communicators ask 10-20x more questions. But not just any questions.
   2. Open-ended questions that focus on feelings, not just facts.
      1. Examples: “What was that like?” — “How did you feel about that?”
3. Clarify what others need (help, hear, hug)
   1. Don’t guess what someone wants from a conversation — ask them. Duhigg suggests explicitly figuring out if your person needs:
      1. help solving a problem
      2. A listening ear
      3. or emotional support
   2. In other words: “Do you want to be helped, heard, or hugged?”
4. Vulnerability is a connection cheat code:

   1. In one study, strangers were paired up and told to ask each other:

      When was the last time you cried in front of someone?”

   2. At first, everyone hated the idea — but after the conversation, nearly all of them reported feeling deeply connected to the other person.

5. Use “Looping” to Ensure Understanding
   1. Ask a question — get clarity of what the other person means
   2. Reflect back - summarize what they said in your own words.
   3. Confirm - Ask if you got it right or if they’d like to clarify
   4. Studies show this is the single most effective technique for proving to someone that we want to hear them.