In a move that has stunned economists, confused pensioners, and deeply impressed absolutely no one, Britain’s major banks have announced revolutionary new opening hours: 6:12pm to 6:19pm, weekdays only, excluding bank holidays, weekends, and days ending in “y”.
The decision, first revealed in the Prat.UK investigation
“Banks Announce New Opening Hours Based on British Dinner Reservations (6.12pm Only)”,
According to banking executives, the change is designed to “better align with customer lifestyles,” particularly the lifestyle where customers are either commuting, cooking, apologising for being late, or already halfway through a disappointing lasagne.
A spokesperson for the banking sector explained that extensive research had revealed 6:12pm as the least convenient moment in the British day.
“People are busy,” she said. “They’re trapped on trains, stuck in traffic, or already seated at restaurants pretending to enjoy olives. That’s exactly when we want them thinking about overdrafts.”
The spokesperson added that 6:12pm was chosen over 6:00pm because “round numbers create unrealistic expectations.”
Banks insist they are not closing branches — they are merely “concentrating availability.”
By opening for seven carefully curated minutes, banks claim they are providing a premium, focused customer experience.
“You don’t want too much access,” said one executive. “That leads to questions.”
Customers arriving at 6:13pm are encouraged to queue silently, clutching documents they no longer remember the purpose of, while staff rush to complete at least one transaction before shutting everything down again.
Anyone who arrives at 6:20pm is advised to use online banking, which is currently undergoing “scheduled emergency maintenance”.
The new hours are said to be based on British dining habits, specifically the moment when people have committed to leaving work but have not yet escaped it.
This has led to a sharp rise in diners frantically attempting to explain to waiters why they must briefly disappear to “just pop to the bank”.
Restaurants across the country report customers abandoning starters mid-bite, sprinting toward branches, and returning breathless only to find the bank closed “due to high customer demand”.
“It’s chaos,” said one maître d’. “People are choosing between finance and focaccia.”