By River Panzarello | July 3, 2025

Disclaimer: This article is a work of fiction and part of an ongoing satirical series. While it intentionally draws from real-life events, public figures, and institutions, particularly those associated with the Cleveland Metropolitan School District, it uses exaggerated and fictionalized scenarios to highlight patterns of governance, systemic failures, and abuses of power. The purpose is not to deceive, but to challenge, critique, and provoke thought through humor and storytelling. As satire, this piece is protected under the First Amendment and should be understood as commentary, not reportage.

CLEVELAND - Early this morning, groundskeepers at historic Lake View Cemetery made a chilling discovery: the grave of former Cleveland Mayor and U.S. Secretary of War Newton D. Baker was found damaged-his headstone shattered in two, the earth around it unsettled as if recently unearthed. No signs of forced entry or vandalism were evident elsewhere in the cemetery, and surveillance footage from the night before reportedly shows nothing unusual-at least, nothing easily explained.

What makes the incident even more unnerving is the cluster of strange occurrences reported in the cemetery over the past week. Several overnight maintenance workers claimed to hear muffled whispers near the Garfield Monument. One even quit mid-shift after allegedly witnessing "someone in a bowler hat" vanish behind a mausoleum wall.

Visitors this past weekend also noted unusual temperature drops near the Baker plot, despite Cleveland experiencing record highs. "It felt like someone exhaled behind my neck," said Martha Simmons, a Tremont resident who came to photograph the blooming hydrangeas. "I turned around and no one was there-but the camera shutter clicked on its own."

Some have pointed out the eerie timing. June 28 marked the anniversary of the Treaty of Versailles, a document Baker had a hand in shaping. And just days ago, a local high school class submitted a digital project criticizing Baker's wartime policies-sparking debate on social media about legacies and unrest, both historical and… otherwise.

Cemetery officials have cordoned off the site and are working with local historians and a stone restoration team to assess the damage. While no conclusions have been made public, one unnamed source close to the investigation said the break in the stone "didn't look like a hammer blow. It looked like it cracked from the inside out.”

For now, the grave lies silent-its surroundings unnaturally still, even as Lake View's maples sway in the breeze. Yet some locals are wondering whether the past is truly resting. Or perhaps, in Cleveland’s most hallowed grounds, the silence of the past is no longer content to sleep. Due to the ongoing investigation, police cordoned off the Baker plot with crime scene tape. They are advising visitors to keep distance from the Baker plot area until further notice. The cemetery will continue to operate as usual during the investigation.

Founded in 1869, Lake View Cemetery serves as the eternal home to over 110,000 individuals. including historic icons like President James A. Garfield, Alan Freed, and Eliot Ness.