Episode 36: Discovering you Gift & Truly Accepting Yourself
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https://rss.com/podcasts/youatyourbest/2397729/
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In today’s insight episode, I talk about discovering your gift and your purpose — not by becoming someone else, but by finally accepting who you already are. I share the story of how I discovered mine, the moments that led me toward self-acceptance, and how your deepest sensitivities and quirks often hold the key to why you’re here.
I got the idea for this episode because of season 5 of Stranger Things, especially Will Byers and my love for Byler (the ship between Will and Mike Wheeler). I felt like the show was growing with me, at the same pace as my own healing journey with each season. I began watching Stranger Things in high school and am now a mom who is almost 23 at the time of the recording of this episode. From the beginning, I could tell that Will struggled deeply with his identity and self-worth, which made him instantly become my favorite character.
Like Will, I have dealt with an immense amount of shame throughout my life about my identity. I spent the majority of my life believing that who I am is wrong. As the oldest daughter (and oldest child in general, it being just my brother and I), I learned from a very young age to hide myself for others. If I felt uncomfortable or sad, it didn't matter as long as the other person was happy. I have a mom who struggles deeply with people pleasing, which means that, despite her best efforts and being a well-meaning mother doing the best she could what what she had been given, she often put others wants before my needs. If I was uncomfortable in a situation, I had to push those feelings down so that I didn’t hurt the other person’s feelings. This taught me that the best way to survive was through becoming the least amount of an inconvenience and to always put others first. To remain invisible, so that I wouldn’t accidentally hurt another person. Early adulthood enhanced these feelings of self-hatred. I began to heal, which meant that I began to express my needs. But I didn’t know how to properly express them, so I did it in a very hurtful way. That pushed people way, which further solidified my belief that I am bad, that I hurt people because I exist. So, I isolated myself. Started becoming aggressively self-aware so that I could make sure to never hurt others. But that self-awareness came at a price, because the more self-aware I became, the more I hated myself. I thought I had it all right. That I deserved to be punished for all of the harm I did throughout my life (which I now realize as an adult that that “harm” was just me being a human being with emotions). I was missing self-compassion. That’s why I was healing, but still suffering. I was aggressively self-aware, but I hated everything about myself. I needed to start forgiving myself. To start loving my flaws and mistakes, because of what they taught me. That’s why this episode is so important to me, why I have the credentials to talk about discovering your purpose and learning to accept yourself. I lived through the worst of the worst!
Throughout my healing journey, I have grown closer and closer to true self-acceptance and discovering my gift. Through being “nosy” and inquisitive starting in toddlerhood. Through loving video-making and editing in elementary school. Through realizing how much I love writing in high school. Through discovering podcasts in college. Through never being able to hold myself back from oversharing. I was always meant to make people feel heard. To share my experiences. To help people out of hard times. To have the podcast that I now absolutely cherish. Other than my daughter, this podcast is the most important thing in my life!
This episode isn’t just about discovering what you like to do. It’s about discovering who you are, and what you are here to do and contribute to the world. Not as a way to overwork yourself, but through doing work that feels so much like you, that it doesn’t feel like work. It feels like purpose. Your purpose will feel familiar. It will feel like you are reconnecting with who you have always been. Your purpose is hidden in the things you feel shame about (because you can’t discover true authenticity without first looking deep into your ego), and the things you loved when you weren’t afraid of judgement (because those things are what you were always naturally drawn to).