Everyone fights, so make a plan
Figure out roles, goals, and a process BEFORE emotions get involved (ie Do it while you're sober)
Start having hard conversations now
Use non-violent communication to share honest feedback w/o criticism
Pay down emotional debt on a regular basis
Founders need to optimize a relationship that can last for 10 YEARS
John Gottman — can watch a couple argue for 15 min and predict with 85% accuracy if they'll stay married or get divorced w/in 4 years. If he gets an hour of watching them and also learns their hopes/fears, he has 94% accuracy
- Key Point: Couples fight; Everyone fights!
- Couples usually argue about— Money, kids, sex, time (Free time), jealousy, in-laws
- Founders usually argue about— Fundraising/Runway, Customers/Employees, performance, roadmap, competition, partnerships
- Avoid the Four Horsemen
- Criticism— this usually ends up involving many different issues rather than the 1 topic of concern
- Contempt (intention to insult)— avoid making things personal
- Defensiveness
- Stonewalling
Defenses against the 4 Horsemen
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Divide and conquer— 1) Assign responsibilities ahead of time to different founders (Ex: John handles Fundraising stuff, Jane handles Performance stuff), 2) Determine your team's criteria for Success/Failure (ex: Success = successful fundraise; Failure = 3 months runway or less)
- As your company ages, you'll assign these responsibilities to more specific ppl (ex: CFO, CEO, etc)
- Usually, CEO has final say; If CEO is an issue, then the Board has the final say
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Know Thyself
- Know your attachment style (Secure, Anxious, Avoidant)
- Know your cofounder's attachment style
- Anxious and Avoidant tend to be together
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Document a process
- While you're emotionally sober, create a process for dealing with diasgreements
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See Matter's "Decision Disagreement Framework"
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Note: There's lot of ways of going about this, you just have to all agree ahead of time of what to do. (Ex: take a break for 20 minutes and then come back to talk)
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- While you're emotionally sober, create a process for dealing with diasgreements
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- "When [observation], I feel [emotion] because I'm needing some [universal needs]. Would you be able to [request]?"
- Observation vs Evaluation
- Disagreement should be based on an Observation ie something you saw or heard (Ex: "You said you'd send that document last week and I haven't received it" = Observation VS "You're really lazy" = Evaluation)
- Emotions vs Thoughts
- Talk about the way you FEEL, not what your thought is (Ex: "I feel frustrated")
- Universal Needs
- Behind every negative emotion lies an unmet universal need
- Be careful of not making needs about something that's very specific to just yourself or just that situation; A universal need is something that everyone should have (ex: "I need support from you" is not a Universal need, whereas "I need support" IS a universal need)
- Requests vs Demands
- Request = an invitation to the other person to meet our universal needs
- Say what you WANT (not what you don't want)
- Make it specific (Ex: "I request for you to be more respectful" isn't great VS "I request that you arrive to meetings on time" is)
- Stay curious ("Could I say my request in a way so that everybody could be on board?")
- See Medium article by Dave Bailey "How to Deliver Constructive Feedback in Difficult Situations"
- Also see work by Adam Grant
- Request = an invitation to the other person to meet our universal needs
Pay down your emotional debt
- Similar example would be Technical debt (ie When you're writing software super fast, you take some shortcuts that you know you'll need to look back at later on)
- Unlike technical debt, Pay down your emotional debt EVERY DAY
- This includes even really little things (just like regular relationships!)— do this so they don't grow into bigger things
Practice having "Level 3 conversations"
- Level 1 = informal convo (data exchange, back & forth)
- Level 2 = include some emotions and personal info
- Level 3 = Relational; Are related to what's happening right now b/w 2 ppl
- Goals
- What are short term goals for our company?— (founders can quite often differ on these and not realize it)
- Are we using the right metrics?
- Are we hitting our goals?
- Roles
- Is it clear who is responsible for what?
- Do we agree that the current division makes the most sense?
- Performance
- Is our workload distributed in an optimal manner today?
- Do we all feel a high level of dedication and motivation?
- What mechanisms are in place for providing feedback to each other? (ex: have we carved out time for emotional debt, do we have a process, etc)
- Goals
No Assholes
Who you choose as a co-founder really depends on your emotional needs and trust
How do you trial out a relationship?
- Contract somebody and see how it goes
- Do a small project together before a big one (ex: Going to a movie instead of going to a fancy dinner)
- Have a good conversation— Can you have respectful differences?
- Exchange favors — so you both help each other —> gives you more info about the person (are they trustworthy, etc)
- Be straightforward and say that you're looking for a cofounder— can schedule a few hours every week with this person and just brainstorm ideas