TRIGGER WARNING: This post contains topics such as suicide, death, and car accidents.

Within the past 24 hours, I experienced my first (and hopefully my last) near-fatal car crash. The experience, while being shitty, has made me realize a lot of things.

What the fuck happened?

On Sep. 27, 2021 at 9:40 PM, while I was driving home from Vancouver (Southbound Granville St), a black BMW illegally sped through an intersection to catch up with another car. Due to my limited point of view I only had 2 seconds to react seeing the BMW. I tried pushing the brakes hard enough but because of the downpour of rain along with the downhill slope of the road, it was enough for my car to cause a t-bone collision against the BMW car.

As it happens, I recall the airbag activating on the front side of the car. Ears ringing hard and car instantly smoking. My first thought was “holy shit i’m probably done for by now” but I alongside my brother and a friend was able to quickly escape from the car.

After getting ourselves to safety, we quickly got our belongings out of the car hoping that it wouldn’t explode as our friend called 911.

Suicidal thoughts

If you know me, you’d probably know that every now and then, I’d end up having to deal with a lot of depressive episodes and suicidal thoughts. I grew up with the idea of trying to not be a burden to others. I’m scared to ask questions let alone ask for help because of it. I lived a life thinking that I had to live independently one way or another.

In a way this idea of “not being a burden” has increased my negative emotions. But at first I just wanted to feel this way because I personally feel bad for others doing things for me. For people who have similar personalities, we tend to try to use our emotions as an excuse to ignore ourselves and help others first. Simply put — we care for others more than we care about ourselves.

I’ve had several counts within this past year of me wanting to commit suicide. Some may say I may have burnt out myself or I was pushing too hard. Similar to Icarus in Greek Mythology, I flew too hard until the wings burnt.

Contrast

At that time of the crash, I instantly felt like my life was over. I felt that I was ready to give up on everything. I initially felt that all the burden was getting lose knowing that I don’t deserve to be cared for. But that wasn’t the case.

I instantly got too focused caring for everyone at the incident to the point where once again, I stopped caring for myself. I got my bags out first knowing that the company wouldn’t survive without it. I was checking for people before emergency services came, delegating and ensuring everyone was safe. My brother tried stopping me afraid that the car was going to explode at any given moment.

Eventually when the fire trucks came, they instantly told me to “calm the fuck down.” I instantly asked myself “what the fuck was I doing? an accident happened and i try to save others and even inanimate objects before myself?” I must have been stupid to feel this way.

The Night Of

Hours after the incident I couldn’t easily fall asleep. I started thinking of how stupid I possibly was. My mind has the natural tendency of pinning the blame on myself so as per usual, I’d feel the same about this issue. Thoughts went to my head such as “I shouldn’t have driven in the rain” or “It was my fault for not stopping at every green light”. I kept on blaming and belittling myself — thinking that I was the idiot in the scene.

As some would say, the thing people want in these situations is assurance — assurance knowing that shit will get better. But it took a while for me to gain that assurance because of how scared I was. Even if my friends calculated the trajectory of the crash themselves mathematically to see if I’m personally liable, I still feel like a dumbass for being in this situation to begin with.

I was scared. I’m scared of the inevitable, the unknown, and whats there to come. I couldn’t sleep knowing that shit happened and I have to take detours in my life because of it. The financial burden is one thing and the safety of the people I care for is another.

The second chance

After spending the day dealing with a crapload of paperwork and conference calls regarding the incident, I finally decided to take a break from school. I realized that this incident is there as a signal that I have too much on my plate. It was one way to force me to stop working too much and relax but I suppose I wouldn’t have done it any other way. I mean at this point being semi-blind I’m pretty much forced to not work 24/7.